Evolution of Me

Head.desk.

Head.desk.

Head.desk.

Sometime last year, I wrote about how I felt relationships were built on an idea that two people evolve in harmony with each other, and I believe I also acknowledged that this view doesn’t guarantee “forever” or “to death do us part” the way that other conventions might claim.  If there is a dramatic change to the environment, both may adapt in ways that weaken the connection between the two.  I wonder if that’s happening to me now.

Things have been great and stable and relatively calm for years, but I really think that things between Joshua and I have changed since I made the decision to go back to school.  I mean, that kind of decision has real, practical effects on life in the household.  I have almost no time for anything – between work and school, I’m occupied an average of 16 hours a day.  That means less time together, less time for me to do things like make dinner or bake goodies.  Josh reconnected with old friends and began spending more time with them.  Soon, when I actually found free time, I would find he was busy - out with the boys.  Then, as I think is natural, the more I learned, the more I wanted to talk about school, my classes and my theories.  Now, Josh is really well-educated – went to an exclusive school, earned a few degrees, so I thought he would appreciate and be able to relate to my enthusiasm.  Instead, as I began another year of school last year, his luke-warm interest became none, and he insinuated that the whole idea of me going back to school was ridiculous.

I’ve felt lonely and crushed that I’ve lost my dialogue partner.  I even feel like I’ve kind of lost a friend.  Then I feel myself getting annoyed when he just works his 8 hours and parties with his newly rediscovered college friends, and I’m exhausted, trying to read a text book while doing the dishes.  Eventually, I just accepted that while he might love me, he doesn’t care at all about my new ambitions in life and wants nothing to do with it.

It’s hard to admit to Josh that when he rejected my ambitions, he rejected a really big part of me.  Maybe this is a hint of the Objectivist in me coming out.  While the contexts are really different, I think, right now, I’m reminded of a scene in The Fountainhead where Dominique asks Roark to give up architecture and just make his life about loving her, and the idea was impossible for him.  Would she have really loved him had he said yes?  For how long?  How much time would pass before he left?

So, anyway, I made new friends at school.  I occasionally flirt with a classmate I met a few years ago when he was a student in the seminary.  I seek out people who are interested in philosophy who have interesting things to say!  I talk poor Dixie’s ear off.  I write my blog!  But mostly I just hold my thoughts in my own head and heart.

But now to the reason I’m banging my head incessantly against my desk. 

An old love and I happened upon each other again, and he suddenly gave me an outlet for all of my pent up thoughts and theories.  Through letters that resemble those between Descartes and Elizabeth of Bohemia, I finally feel like I’ve connected to someone again on that really intimate intellectual level that I normally reserve for those few all-trusted lovers – the ones with whom I share philosophical pillow-talk, my hopes, dreams, theories, and most-hidden feelings. My heart flutters with each word when I read his stories and theories, and I pour my heart and mind into each reply.  It’s all “innocent,” but it’s also incredibly intimate for me, on both an intellectual and personal level.  The whole thing makes me feel happier, more fulfilled, and more excited about my future.

I just wonder if it all adds up to the beginning of the end for Josh and I, or if this will eventually pass.  Maybe it’s not even a big deal, but it just feels like it now.  I just don’t know.

S.A.M.