Monday, October 4, 2010

"Driving" Me Crazy


WARNING: This post has nothing to do with anything productive today. 
I just needed to vent and this is my only anonymous outlet for that!

The tattoo was a success, and with a week of fun with Dixie behind me, it's back to the real world.  Unfortunately, that involves my company moving to a new location outside of the city soon.

Generally, change doesn't bother me.  I like change often - I get pretty bored easily otherwise.  I also like new things!  They are shiny and clean and interesting.  HOWEVER, moving to this new location has been a nightmare for me, in more ways than one.  First, the logistics of moving an entire corporation are daunting.  Just moving my department is a daily headache of people worrying about the move and anticipating the awful things that will await them in the scary new building.  Of course, those people get into daily arguments with the people who like shiny new novelties.  These "New Building" advocates testify to the benefits of being outside of a crowded, mean, expensive city, to the dismay of the "Old Building" advocates who feel the death of the city location means the death of us all as we are hurled into obscurity.  Personally, I wish we were staying DESPITE the allure of newness purely because it requires me to learn to drive a hellish route to work every morning. 

Instead of anticipating the relaxing morning walks I will enjoy in the autumn, I spent the weekend driving in the car with Joshua attempting to map out the best route to the new location.  Usually, it takes a lot to get me wound up in the car.  I'm a pretty calm person, and I've driven with screaming babies, arguing friends and anxious family members.  Go ahead - grab the "Jesus Handle" and hit your passenger-side imaginary brake - I'm okay if you're a dramatic passenger.  AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT JOSH. 

The first time I drove with him in the car, he was in the back seat, arguing with the front seat passenger about where we should be going while I was driving in totally unfamiliar territory to a place I had never been before.  Not five minutes out, my face was burning red and I was ready to scream or burst into tears.  Then, we get on a particularly vicious highway that I had only travelled twice in my life and he starts arguing with me over merging.  Then, he wouldn't shut up about how he was fearing for his life for the entire drive and thereafter.  Our friend drove home, and I didn't let Joshua in my car for months.  I was hurt, discouraged, distressed, agitated, humiliated, mortified... I could create and entire Thesaurus entry about that day.  He's one of the few people whose opinion matters to me, and the sudden dramatic critical attack left me permanently wounded.

So, nowadays, I try to put on my poker face in the car with him.  Really, I can literally feel my blood pressure rise as soon as I put the key into the ignition, even if we're just driving to the grocery store down the street.  95% of mistakes I have EVER made when driving are with him in the car, and I think it's because I can't avoid putting the crushing pressure on myself to be perfect in this one situation, and that, of course, makes it even more horrible because he only sees me at my worst.  *I* wouldn't believe me if I were in his shoes and heard, "Really, I'm a good driver when you're not here."  Sometimes I wonder if my subconscious is attempting to crash the car to free me from the awful situation.

I'm sure you've figured out by now that the new location REQUIRES me to drive on the vicious highway, and Joshua offered to show me how to get there.  At first, I thought that I would be better off getting lost for hours and eventually becoming familiar with the area.  Then, the side of me that I USED to think was rational said, "C'mon Sam... he usually keeps his mouth shut now, and it's been awhile since all of that.  Let's just get this over with and let him show you where to go. You're being ridiculous."  Damn side of my head POSING as rational. 

Well, after I said yes, a day prior to the test drive, Josh decides to tell me something about one of his female friends that likes him that made me pretty angry while we were in the car driving to the store.  And "Isn't It Ironic" that in the middle of the conversation my car chimed in with "You Oughta Know" from my random playlist. At least the car and radio were on my side, right? So I was already angry that I was stuck in the car with him the day before, and it seemed that every bad feeling I ever have about him is rooted in instances of me driving.  Rational Brain said, "C'mon, this is all in your irrational head." So I went ahead with the practice run.  It was awful.  The drive ended with my face burning and tears welling up in my eyes, just as our only other experience on that road had ended.  My back hurt from being so tense, and my head was pounding.  But this time, we got in the house and I couldn't stop being angry.  I told him I never wanted to drive with him in the passenger seat again (and since our only car is mine, I guess he wouldn't be going anywhere anytime soon).  He said, "Oh, come on, I thought I was good and I kept quiet.  I only felt my life was endangered twice."  He was trying to joke, but it pushed me over the edge.  I told him that it would be easier to drive if I was car jacked and someone was holding a gun to my head, which was a thought I had often during the hour commute.  I wish I could shake the anxiety I have about driving with him in the car, but I don't see that happening anytime soon, so for now I'll be getting lost solo.

I think the problem is that he has no concept of how hard I am on myself about the situation.  You know, when you are giving 100% of your attention and effort to being perfect, and you make even a small mistake, you are already being incredibly critical of yourself in your mind and someone else voicing their criticism is just "piling it on."  And now, with the pressure reinforced, I can't ever see it going well right now.  Joshua makes me HATE driving.  Good thing my car and playlists are on my side, and he's going on vacation with his friends later this week.  I plan on having a great, relaxing time driving all over the city with my radio blasting and my friendly GPS offering suggestions, but "recalculating" when I disagree and fixing my mistakes without an accusation (GPS: "Simple miscalculation... I can take care of that.  Could have even been my fault!").

Wow, I feel better.  :)

S.A.M.